im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
