The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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