Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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