New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
