I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
