You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
