I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
