Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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