Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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