I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
