Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
