You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
