i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
