I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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