I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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