a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
