cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
