At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
