we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
