What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
