Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
