drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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