my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
