First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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