a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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