So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
