Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
