i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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