her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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