Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i out mim tonsoeep
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