roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Houston, we have a squirter
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
