sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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