Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
