Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
