i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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