i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
