just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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