I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
