The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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