i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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