I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
