I should be sponsored by Trojan
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
