I am in a vortex of obligation.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
