He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
