put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
