one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
