I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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