I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
