it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
