i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
